That "oh my god, I'm dying" moment

So, after work today I walked out of my office building and made sure to appreciate the sunny 80 degree weather... I got into my car, started it and turned on the radio to 103.5 Kiss FM.  I drove out of the parking lot with my windows down, listening to Miley Cyrus's "We Can't Stop"... and life couldn't have been more normal for me. Then after a couple stop lights, I turned onto the main road I work near and after coming to a stop in traffic, I glanced around and saw THIS on my right arm: bruise

My immediate series of thoughts:

  • what is that?
  • ohmygod
  • what is that?
  • oh my god, I'm having an allergic reaction from the inside
  • I really don't feel like going to a hospital right now
  • oh my god, what is happening?
  • why did it happen so fast?
  • oh my god is it going to keep moving up my arm?

And then it hit me:

At my birthday celebration we played a game of volleyball. DUHHHHH.  *sigh of relief*


What a crazy moment. All of that because the bruises and broken blood vessels from yesterday started to show up. I wasn't in pain at all today, so I didn't even THINK about the whole volleyball thing at first.

And all of this reminded me of how huge it is to develop a medical condition out of nowhere and how you can have post traumatic stress disorder from it.

This is the National Library of Medicine's definition:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you have gone through an extreme emotional trauma that involved the threat of injury or death.

I mean, the eczema never REALLY stops completely. My body rejects things most people's bodies NEED such as all over the counter antibiotic ointments, some medications and even supplements/vitamins. I've also had a couple staph infections (which you can die from) and I have a general fear of touching metal and synthetic fabrics because I can have severe reactions. All in all? I've learned that I shouldn't touch most things and my body can just give out at any moment.

Life was easier when I had the false feeling of my body being invincible. I rarely got sick as a kid. I'm limber, lanky and take on cardio like nobody's business. But lay me down on a nickel slab and pour propylene glycol all over me and I'll be in the hospital as fast as I can get there and I will be PAYING for it for weeks. All without a moment of being able to feel comfortable because of the pain, the itching and being sticky from the oozing. If you locked me in a nickel coated vat filled with propylene glycol, I would most definitely die a slow death. I react to those two things BIG time. My skin would be covered in a zillion oozing eczema bumps and my system would eventually give up. I'd probably die from infection, ultimately...

...See what I mean? Why am I even thinking about that? It seems crazy. But I thought it because it's true. See, when your life changes drastically, you think a lot about your new world and what could happen. It's natural, I think.

We have to be careful, though, not to let "the fear" and the "oh my god I'm dying" moments control us. If we let them control us, we will live our lives in fear and that's nothing but a whole big ball of unhappy for everybody involved.

I think in cases like these, it's good to remember: